When I first was telling Elaine about how I was starting to jog in spurts, and how I felt a little silly doing my interval training - which is a sprint - walk combination designed for optimal fat burn - she shared a story with me about when she first started running. Her and her sisters would only go out after dark. They called themselves 'closet joggers' which totally cracked me up, and actually made me feel better. Knowing that others out there are worried about being seen doing something embarrassing, and ultimately, being judged I think.
Every time I am out running or jogging or walk-sprinting or walking or weeding the flowers even, I feel like I'm being watched. Not on that creepy kind of sense where someone is stalking me or about to attack me - but in the sense that someone can see my butt crack when I'm bent over, or someone is watching me from their window as I jog by, maybe making fun of me or cracking a joke to their friends. When I meet up with someone on the path I'm embarrassed to go from walking to jogging, or from jogging to walking... which is OK when you're jogging because it helps extend the work out, but when I'm walking I gotta keep that heart rate up! It is JUST ridiculous!! I tell myself... "Ter, everyone is out here for the same reasons - they are getting exercise too and walking their dogs and doin their thing... why would you think they're critiquing you?" I don't know... I honestly don't have an answer for that - but judging by the 'closet joggers' its not just me. For some reason we have this feeling deep inside that we need to be fit to exercise and work out, we need to have it right immediately. Which is HILARIOUS because how do we think the fit people get fit in the first place. On the Biggest Loser this season I am noticing a lot of comments from the trainers around not be afraid to go to the gym, and I can relate with that one too. At the gym EVERYONE is watching you of course.. *insert sarcasm here* but am I right or am I wrong in that feeling??? That's what I always thought... I felt watched and judged all the time when I'd go to a gym. "Oh god my fat is hanging out"... "should I be sweating THIS Much?" ... "am i doing it right?".... "ugh how embarrassing, everyone is going twice as fast as me - i can't do this... who am I kidding" My stays were never very long - I'd go for a couple weeks then that was it. A visit to excuse world and I'd be done. A gym is no place for a fat girl.
Total bullshit right??? RIGHT. Despite what we have learned through the media and maybe our peers in school when we used to get teased. People are generally good. The average person wants to do good things and be a good person, and tries just as hard at everything as we do. You know what I think when I see someone of a larger stature out and about walking or jogging? I think "Good for them! - they're fricken doin it! Right on!" So why wouldn't others think that about me?? This isn't elementary school anymore... we're not on the playground. I'm out there playing with other grown ups, who may or mat not share in my insecurities, but we have a common goal and I like to think the last thing they would do is judge me. So that's how I'm changing this one around. I am going to assume everyone is thinking the very best of me all of the time!! If they are peaking at me out their windows - they thinking "right on... look at her... she's doin it!" ... when I pass people on the pathway their gonna be "holy! look how far she's come! good for her" .. I even received a compliment once and I think my head was in the negative space at the time so I took it wrong. I was hoofin' er up a pretty good freakin hill and the older gentleman was on his bike and as he went by he said "You're keeping a darn good pace up that hill!" - which is nothing but a nice thing to say right? Well for whatever reason I took it as him being patronizing and choose to be upset about it. DUH... But I guess it solidified in my head that people are indeed watching me!! But SWEET JESUS I sometimes follow people too... do i look at them?? YES.... its not that I'm watching them... they're just in my view.... and I only ever think good things about those people.
I am beginning to see now how silly it is to be SO consumed by those thoughts! This week (my last week of the challenge BTW) my interval training has been bumped up to where I have to maintain my 'sprint' for 20 seconds. So on Sunday I had to get out there and give 'er in broad daylight. A 20 second sprint covers a good bit of ground so it was impossible NOT to run into anyone... and it was also impossible to sustain that sprint for any longer than the 20 seconds so I got a good lesson in not caring what anyone else was thinking!!! Even if I was right beside them the timer would go and I'd slow to my walk and I'm sure make some sort of expression of my exhaustion! ha ha ha! I bet they appreciated it in their own right! I just have to keep the focus on me, cause in the long run - I'm the only one who is suffering by entertaining any of these thoughts I make up. Who has the time for it? Really?
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