BABY STEPS

Is it common knowledge yet that baby steps are the way to go?? In my world it is... just one little step at a time. ANY action in the right direction will start a positive flow towards your goal. For me it seemed as though there was this one, like mammoth, GIANT, gross, scary, weird step - right before that first baby step. I still don't know truely why... i guess i built it up too much in my head - but I stayed there for a long time!! However giant and gross and scary it was... it was comfortable, it was keeping me in my rut where nothing would change and for whatever reason that felt good. It felt really good up until I caught myself saying "YAY, its getting cold again! I can hide under big baggy sweaters!" ...... what?? Seriously? Have you ever caught yourself in a thought like that...?? I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to hide! Even though I have always been heavier I have always had confidence in myself. It's maybe in the past year that I've seen it begin to slip. The fidgeting, the pulling at my shirts, the hiding in baggy clothes... its not good!! It doesn't FEEL good! HOW do i get my damn self off of this fuckin step??? Maybe I need help....

ENTER - Jen (said friend who loves to read and learn) and help people!! She introduced me to a book which I'm not going to lend props too just yet as I have not totally finished it... (back to my piont about not being 'much' of a reader).. ha ha! but i'm trying and getting there... I'm just a little pokey. ANYHOW - the most basic of premises to learn in this book is that you need to be happy and love yourself NOW. Where ever you are, however sad, whatever is bothering you - old ghosts, demons - this trauma that I mentioned everyone has... getting skinny and/or more beautiful will NOT solve these problems!! Real life example: Carnie Wilson - she got that gastric bypass surgery, got skinny and beatiful then became addicted to alcohol - full on alcohlic. She quickly realized more work was necassary when she was faced with losing her husband. Everything HAS to be dealt with head on sooner or later... and trust me if you keep putting it off it will manifest one day and it won't be pretty! It can come out in mental forms, but physical forms as well. DO whatever you need to do to be happy right now. Love yourself right now, just as you are. You deserve it!! - and I deserve it too! It takes work and a lot of conscience effort to reverse your negative thoughts, but once you practice for awhile it gets easy. You have to trust me on that. I have been so mean to myself - would NEVER dream of speaking to a friend or even an enemy how i was speaking to myself! Be kind to yourself, you need it, and you are worth it! And FORGIVE yourself for christ sake! Cause if you haven't fucked something up in the past then you need to forgive yourself for being such an asshole to.... well.... YOU.

Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it. Don't you love that saying?? Through most of my life it has always been used with a bit of a negative connotation, but it is the most positive saying EVER. I think it's Mike Dooley we thank for the saying "Thoughts become things" and they DO... i have tested it and they do. Think of what you want, put it out there - feel good about it... and it will happen. Whats the point?? Something I've been putting out there on and off again for the last few years came to me.... and in it.... the help i needed, the push off of the giant step.....