I feel selfish. Really selfish - probably for the first time ever. For someone who has spent her days trying to please everyone and get along with everyone - and trying to find middle ground so other people can get along, making sure everyone likes her, going out of my way to just make sure everyone is happy and looked after, even going along with things that i wasn't really feelin'... - this is a tough emotion. It is very hard for me to focus on myself so its been a bit of a battle with these emotions creeping up... WHY is it SO hard for me to do something all for myself??? - you know i really don't know... but once again I do have a theory. I think I am afraid of becoming the people that I have met in my life who I saw as being selfish. But I think there are 2 kinds of selfish, maybe even 3... The one that I am afraid to become is the one that seems vain, and completely self consumed. - you know as i write this... I can't even really expand on that. That's weird... I've sat here for a few minutes and wasn't writing anything. So I don't want to be vain and self consumed.. OK... well that's not me... I know myself the very best right now as I have ever had and that is not me at all... so why would me looking a bit different change anything? The truth is, it won't! But I have the fear none the less. If I do get out of hand I know I have the right people around me to get me back in line! - they would tell me... there would be some sort of intervention type scene where they kindly with all the love in the world put me back in my place!! HA HA HA!! - it of course would involve wine.
The other 2 selfishness's (ha ha - did i just make a word??) are the good ones. The lesser evils. The thing is... it's OK to be selfish to the extent that you want to look after yourself. Even a bit of vanity is great because why wouldn't you want to look good everyday? It's not that you're doing it to draw attention from others, you're doing it for you. And for longevity, and health and wellness. So you can always be the very best YOU for your family and friends, or whoever you're close to - see that's not really selfish at all now is it? I just want to be a better ME. Now the 3rd kind of selfishness stems from being the 'only' .... the only child, the only 'one' - you know living alone for a very long time ... this type of thing... its more unconscious at first and subtle, but you get so used to your own world that you forget how to be and act in someone elses - or to act when someone else is in your world. I am best friends with 2 only children and they are both self admittedly selfish, but NEVER would they ever stomp down anyone else to get what they want. They are always out for their own best interest first - but constantly look out for everyone else all the time. So once again... how selfish is that really?? So maybe selfishness is that feeling that we can use to check in with ourselves and decide what our motive is. If our 'm.o.' is for the general good then I think we're OK! If we're planning the demise of a superior in order to achieve their position, we may just want to take the time to consider how selfish we really are! ha ha!
Now I added guilt in there because that has creeped up on me a couple times as well. Mostly because I am taking time away from my home and my wonderful man. I am taking money out of our already ridiculously tight budget. So the guilt creeps in when I forget to do something because I'm out for a walk, or can't pick up something I normally would because I'm out of money... - but I talk with Dion about all of this, and it is all for the greater good. And he understands and supports and is encouraging and is just the very best ever!!! Its a few small sacrifices now to make a difference in the long run in our life together. And a lot of that time I'm taking away from home, and him to go walking and exercising ect... has been made up in working out together in the mornings at least once a week now! - now that's cool! Another first... YAY!
So by writing this out, I have pretty well alleviated all of my fear!!! - this writing has been helping me so much through everything. If you're not doing some form of writing now, I would very highly recommend it! It is so therapeutic. It is high quality selfish time. Even just try to take half an hour once a week and just put pen to paper and see what happens. Or finger to keyboard, or brush to paint... be selfish - do it for you.
***one more side note.... on every post I have put up here, I have spelled exercise wrong!! bah ha ha ha!!! - too funny.
No comments:
Post a Comment